he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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