I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
