So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
