he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
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She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
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Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
why is half of my head shaved?
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