How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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