I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I will be naked everywhere
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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