Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
