Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
i think im in europe. pls send help
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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