I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
