I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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