Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
