And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm too high and old for this...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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