true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
