Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
