I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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