I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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