paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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