BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
