I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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