I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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