I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
