My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
