I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
