if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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