Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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