I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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