party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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