I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I've blown a few things in my day
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
