apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
