I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
