Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
