your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
