Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
