just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
