If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
