Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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