when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
