I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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