I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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