I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I still have a little drunk in my system
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm having to shit out rocks
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