Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
