cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
