conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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