So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
