It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I want you more than these girls want KFC
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
