Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
