When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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