ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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