The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
