Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
