My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
