you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.