Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.