If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
