so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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