I puked a lego.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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